How Does the Gottman Method Help Couples?
There are many approaches to couples and marriage counseling. If you’re in crisis, you might feel overwhelmed trying to figure out which one is best for you and your partner. The Gottman Method is a well-researched approach to couples therapy that aims to improve communication, manage conflict, and increase intimacy.
What is the Gottman Method?
Over careers that have spanned decades, Drs. Julia and John Gottman performed empirical and longitudinal studies of how couples interact. Through their research, they discovered that those interactions were good predictors for whether couples would divorce. This research led to a theory of relationships which informs their treatment approach. In sessions, couples will work both individually and together with a therapist. They’ll do an assessment of their relationship, develop a framework for their therapy, and design interventions to manage conflict.
The Gottmans theory of relationship conflict
After studying so many couples over the long term, Dr. John Gottman determined that the way couples handle conflict is an accurate predictor of whether their relationship will last. They came up with the Four Horsemen of poor conflict management:
Stonewalling
Defensiveness
Contempt
Criticism
When couples turn to these four behaviors during arguments, the more likely they are to split. Furthermore, happy, healthy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one when they’re communicating through conflicts. According to the Gottmans, managing conflict effectively is a major key to having a long-lasting relationship.
Sound Relationship House Theory
Building on this theory of conflict, the Gottmans came up with a metaphor for secure relationships. This is the basis for their approach to counseling. A good, healthy partnership is like a house. This house has seven “floors” that a couple can explore to strengthen their relationship.
1st floor: Build love maps
This floor involves getting to know each other’s inner worlds—your dreams, stresses, and how you perceive the world.
2nd floor: Express fondness and admiration
Here, you learn to show appreciation and enjoy one another’s company to strengthen your connection.
3rd floor: Turn towards instead of away
Couples who stay together turn towards one another and show interest and respect in daily conversations. You learn to recognize when your partner is bidding for your attention and how you can respond.
4th floor: The positive perspective
This floor gets you to a positive approach to problem-solving; you see each other’s errors as circumstantial rather than personal failings.
5th floor: Manage conflict
Here, you learn the difference between perpetual problems and solvable problems and how to handle them. The Gottman method prefers to call this “conflict management” rather than “conflict solution,” because some conflicts are productive and normal while still being unsolvable.
6th floor: Make life dreams come true
This is where you learn to support and encourage one another’s life goals and aspirations.
7th floor: Create shared meaning
The final floor is a reflection of the first floor: where before you had separate inner lives, here you create a shared one. Your relationship has its own experiences, rituals, and stories encased within it.
The two walls holding up the Sound Relationship House are trust and commitment. Trusting your partner means knowing they are acting in your best interests and that you do the same for them. Commitment means believing that you and your partner are together through thick and thin—and if your situation gets worse, you’ll both work to fix it.
Is the Gottman Method right for your relationship?
The Gottman method can help with a wide range of relationship issues, especially if you and your partner are: fighting frequently; having trouble communicating; feeling emotionally distant; or dealing with trauma, such as infidelity.
But even if your relationship isn’t going through a rough patch and you’re just interested in trying to deepen your connection, the Gottman Method is a great approach.
To learn more about whether the Gottman Method is right for you and your partner, please reach out to us.
