How Often Should Couples Fight In a Healthy Relationship?

In our society, we might think that to be in a “perfect relationship” means never fighting with your partner. In reality, things are more complicated. In healthy relationships, couples do fight. What’s most important is how conflict is handled. But how often should you argue before it becomes a problem?

Quality over quantity

Some couples naturally argue more than others, while others rarely have disagreements. What’s most important is how conflict gets managed and resolved.

Do your fights contribute to a better understanding of one another, a new perspective on the relationship, and a reassessment of your goals? If not, even if you rarely fight, those arguments may not be productive. Even a couple that fights more often can be in a stable, healthy partnership if they view conflict this way.

Ebb and flow

It’s also important to remember that relationships go through ups and downs. Life’s changes happen. There will be times when you have the added pressures of a new job or a new addition to the family. You’ll have to support one another through stress, grief, and even trauma. This means there can also be times when you’re more in conflict. This doesn’t always mean the relationship is on the rocks. It means you must be more intentional and empathetic and work together to resolve your arguments.

Fighting isn’t about winning.

One of the least healthy ways to fight is to view arguments as a competition. In a relationship, fighting is not about winning or losing. It should never be a time when you try to undermine your partner, one-up them, or name-call. Healthy conflict is about collaboration, communication, and working towards a solution. So, no matter how often you fight, make sure you’re not breeding resentment.

Tips for having productive arguments

Practice actively listening

Listen to your partner’s perspective without interrupting or thinking about how you’ll respond. Give them your full attention by turning your body towards them and eliminate distractions like your phone or television. React to what they’re saying, ask follow-up questions, and verbally sum up their main points.

Use “I” statements

When expressing your thoughts and feelings, use “I” statements to take ownership of your emotions without placing the blame on your partner. Talk about how their actions and the relationship itself make you feel rather than accusing them of bad behavior. Keep your narrative centered on your experiences.

Take breaks when you’re arguing.

If a fight gets too heated (which can sometimes happen), it’s okay to take a break and revisit the discussion when you both feel calmer and more composed. You might even try setting time limits, such as “We’ll talk about this for an hour and then pause to cool down.” Have a plan in place for your decompression activity: walk around the block, take a bath, or go to the gym.

Focus on solutions

Instead of dwelling on the problem, work towards a solution that works for both of you. Go into an argument with goals in mind. Talk with your partner about what you want the conversation to accomplish. That way, you can avoid fights that go in circles and dredge up the past.

Are you fighting with your partner?

While it’s normal to go through periods of conflict, if your fights aren’t productive, it’s time to talk to a therapist. With a couples counselor, you’ll learn effective communication methods through your issues. The neutral space of the therapist’s office can also provide a safe place to have constructive arguments.

To find out more about how to handle conflict in your relationship, please reach out to us for couples therapy.