The Art of Listening and Why You Don’t Immediately Have To Resolve Conflict
When problems come up, we want to fix them. But sometimes, conflict resolution means taking things slow. Enter the art of listening. Allowing space for emotions to unfold instead of jumping to fix things quickly can have a profound effect on emotional connections. Taking the time to actively listen can create a strong foundation of understanding and compassion.
What is active listening?
Active listening is more than just hearing someone talk. It’s about deeply engaging with the person speaking to you. It involves maintaining eye contact, nodding along in acknowledgment, and providing verbal and non-verbal cues that indicate your genuine interest in what the other person is saying.
Active listening can also mean asking clarifying questions to make sure you’re both hearing and understanding them correctly. Listening is a patient art. As the other person speaks, be considerate and don’t simply wait for your turn to talk.
Why conflict resolution can sometimes wait
During conflicts, our instincts might push us to immediately find a resolution and get back to a happier state. However, rushing to resolve conflicts without first understanding what’s fueling them can lead to superficial solutions. For example, you might argue with your partner about dividing up household chores. Quickly setting a schedule might resolve that conflict; however, if that fight was actually about feeling consistently unappreciated in the relationship, this argument will show up again in a new way. By taking a step back, talking things through, patiently listening, and moving forward mindfully, you’ll be better able to resolve conflicts in a more holistic way.
Letting empathy set the pace
The art of listening emphasizes the importance of acknowledging each other’s emotions without rushing to judgment or offering solutions. In conflicts, emotions can run high. You and your partner might feel a range of intense feelings—anger, frustration, shame, impulsiveness, sadness. Allowing space for these emotions to be expressed and validated can be a therapeutic process in itself. As you and your partner listen to one another’s feelings, you have the opportunity to put yourselves in each other’s shoes. Let these empathetic conversations set the timeline for resolving your conflict. As you go slowly with the intent of understanding one another, you can then set your sights on fixing the problem.
Tips to start active listening
Be open and warm
Create a welcoming and non-judgmental environment. Use open body language: avoid crossing your arms, appearing disinterested, or looking at your phone. Use eye contact and nod along as they speak to show real interest.
Ask open-ended questions
Encourage the other person to share more by asking questions that require more than a simple yes or no answer. Open-ended questions lead to a deeper conversation and show your genuine interest in understanding their thoughts and feelings.
Resist the urge to plan your response
Instead of formulating your response while the other person is speaking, focus on truly understanding their message. This prevents you from missing important details and allows you to respond more thoughtfully.
Are you struggling to listen better?
If your relationships suffer from a lack of healthy communication and reasonable conflict resolution, it might be time to talk to a therapist. In a romantic relationship, perhaps you and your partner could learn to listen to one another more fully. Couples therapy can guide you toward better ways of communicating and listening to each other’s perspectives. Your therapist can also give you strategies for effective conflict resolution—whether to act quickly or take a pause. In individual therapy, you can discuss how you relate to other people, how to become a better listener, and how to show the people in your life you care about fixing conflicts.
To find out more about how therapy can help you become an active listener, please reach out to us to learn more about couples therapy or relationship counseling.
