If you have an emotionally distant partner, you might struggle to get them to have deeper emotional conversations. They might avoid talking about their feelings or feel uncomfortable and defensive when you’re working through a conflict.

In the long run, this can lead to resentment and frustration. To fix this, avoiding placing blame when discussing emotional conflicts is essential.

Use I-statements when discussing your feelings

When communicating with your partner, focus on yourself to avoid placing blame. Instead of saying things like, “You never open up to me anymore” or “You’re always avoiding me,” try using I-statements to express how their behavior makes you feel. For example, you could say, “I feel far away from you when we don’t talk about our emotions.” This approach helps to take the focus off your partner’s behavior by highlighting your own feelings.

Express what you want from the conversation

Go into every discussion knowing what you need from your partner. In addition to using I-statements, consider including what you want from the relationship. For example, when you say, “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk about our feelings; I want to feel more emotionally intimate with you,” you’re honest with them about what can be improved. You’ll avoid them getting defensive because you’ll both work toward a (ideally shared) goal.

Actively listen to them

Try not to jump on your partner when they open up and accuse them of never being honest with you. It’s important to sit back and show them you’re engaged in what they’re saying. Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention, maintaining eye contact, and acknowledging their feelings without interrupting. Avoid the temptation to offer advice right away and instead focus on understanding where they’re coming from. Repeat and rephrase what they’ve set to you to ensure you’re on the same page, and ask clarifying questions if you need to.

Don’t assume their reaction

If you approach your partner and assume how they’ll respond to you, you might inadvertently blame them for something they didn’t actually do or say. If you imagine they’ll react negatively to what you have to say, you’ll go into the entire conversation with that demeanor. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy—they may react badly just because your body language or how you communicate with them shows that they’re supposed to react that way. Instead, approach your conversations with an open mind. Be ready to accept their response and start from a place of positivity. Try imagining things going well.

Be empathetic

It’s easier to place blame on someone when we’re not thinking about what they might be feeling. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to understand why they might be withdrawing emotionally. Their emotional distance is most likely a defense mechanism in response to underlying feelings of fear, insecurity, or stress. They may have grown up with parents who didn’t reward emotional vulnerability or were inconsistent in how they showed love. Instead of jumping to conclusions, try to be curious. Think about what stressors they may have right now, such as increased responsibility at work or the recent loss of a loved one. Show genuine concern when they respond to you, and think about where they’re coming from.

See a counselor together

Sometimes, communicating with an emotionally distant partner is best done in a therapist’s office. Consider seeing a couples counselor if you’re still struggling to effectively communicate with each other. In therapy, you’ll learn personalized strategies for communicating, how to deepen your intimacy, and ways of resolving conflict that work for both of you.

To find out more about how therapy can help you communicate without placing blame, please reach out to us for couples therapy.

Tips For Communicating With An Emotionally Distant Partner